(I wasn't sure about writing this and it has been a draft for a while but this is my life. My grief is hurting, sharing helps.)

I had a friend.

He lived far away. I hadn't seen him for such a long time but we had the best chats that made me howl with laughter. He had been my friend for the past 20 + years.

Sometimes people show up just when you need them and he was always like that, just a little 'hello miss Lucy, how are you?' message that sparked a conversation. Backwards and forwards, catching up, laughing, encouraging each other, finding truth and being ourselves. Staying up way too late, sharing our dreams and sorting our lives out.

We had a couple of the best summers. Silly, impulsive and sweet. The most fun. He had an infectious spontaneity, a kind heart and the most honest soul.

He was a great friend. He told me what he thought. When someone wasn't good for me. When I wasn't doing things that made me happy. Not always what I wanted to hear but always what I needed to. He was right but he didn't know how right, how exactly he 'got' me. And he didn't say it to be right, he said it because he cared.

I have lost a friend that cared about me.

He was awesome and I loved him. He didn't realise how amazing he was, though I told him.

I am so sad and so angry. Because 34 is too young, because I won't see him again and I want to talk to him. So much. I'm angry I didn't just buy him a ticket to come to the UK. I always told him he should come and live here. And I'm just so so sad.

In the last message he sent me, one of the things he said was "life is all about pluses and minuses".

This is a big f**king minus.

The plus is that I knew him. That he was my friend. That we had the best time together and the best talks. I am grateful for my friend.

I love you T. and may you rest in peace.