I've thought a little too much about writing this post, the words to say, how to explain myself properly and why I need to say it. I'm just going to do it and hope it comes out okay.
Since the new year began I have begun feeling anxious, something I've never really experienced before. I knew it was coming because I do not like change at all. In September my youngest will start at school. I realise this is a nice thing, she will be ready for it and I'm sure she will enjoy it. I will not, well maybe I will eventually, but it's going to be hard.
I realise this is not a disaster, I do truly know how fortunate I am and am so grateful for all the happiness and love in my life. I can't help how I feel though and part of me is crumbling. All I ever wanted since being little was to get married and have babies. Everything I did before was just the preamble to living the life I wanted. Two degrees, a couple of careers and a previous serious relationship that taught me a lot, led me to find the love of my life and we created the family we wanted. It's not all roses all the time, I had post natal depression after we had our son and three kids is a lot of work. There are times I feel like screaming, times all I do is shout and days that feel like years but it's all worth it when one of the kids says or does something cute, wonderful, caring or just perfectly them.
I have spent most of the past 8 years being a stay at home mum (I prefer full time mum but I know that can cause offence - sorry) and that time will end later this year. I do now work part time but currently only about one day a week. I'm not having an identity crisis, I know I will be able to find something else to do and hopefully a career I will enjoy. I am just going to miss it. I'm going to miss seeing this face all day...
even with food all over her!
I cried when the other two started school - I'm a total sap - but this time I will walk home alone. That sounds dramatic but that's how it plays in my head.
There are so many wonderful things about seeing my kids grow, watching them become more independent, seeing them find their own joy in reading, drawing, writing, learning. Doing work like this:
I did think about home schooling (for like a second, I don't have the patience!) because I love being around them. I enjoyed primary school and my kids do too so I'm happy about it. I'm just not great at letting go or change.
There must be other mums that have dealt with this?
source: image by LoVE
I'm not trying to be 'woe is me', really I know this is not a big deal in the grand scheme of everything, but I am struggling. I hope by even this time next year I will be totally okay with them all being at school because my life will be filled up with more good things. So I'm working on setting up plans for things to do once she's at school and I guess what other 'hat' I will be wearing along with being a mum. That gives me focus and I can get excited about it. But then I think about what's going to happen and I just feel a bit sick. My heart beats so fast and I am dreading her starting school. I cry thinking about it and have feelings of being overwhelmed. It's like waves of panic. If my anxiety gets any worse I think I will go and see a doctor, currently it's not all consuming and I would like to avoid that. I've joked it's like pre-anxiety anxiety but it's not really funny. I don't want to waste the next few months worrying about September when I could be having fun with Lois.
I have tried not to think about it but it doesn't work and I'm worried if I just 'suck it up' then I'm going to get a lot worse. I'm having bad days and good days, honestly even bad hours and good hours. The back and forth is exhausting!
I decided to write this because I know a lot of you are parents and/or you might be able to relate to what I'm going through. I would so appreciate any ideas or advice you can offer. Any general advice for dealing with anxiety? Please leave a comment or send me an email if you prefer. Thank you xx
I'm being brave and hitting publish...